Faros Restaurant #2 - Visit #1

Whilst Mrs. M.O.A.B. is out stalking Rick Springfield in Rockford, Illinois this weekend, the doctor's prescribed diet goes a little askew and someone (namely me) is getting back out into the burrito trenches. (I'm still waiting for a response Chipotle! You owe me a refund!)

serendipity
n : good luck in making unexpected and fortunate discoveries

That is what Faros Restaurant #2 in Bartlett is. What a fantastic, little gem of a place! M.O.A.B. will be honest here...the exterior looks startlingly similar to that of Taqueira Acapulco...(SHUDDER!)...and regrettably the place has been avoided. What a mistake this has been! I was just going to sashay into the place for a little reconnaissance, and boy am I glad I did!

Appearances are definitely deceiving here! Inside is a beautifully laid out Fine Mexican Dining experience. It is very warm and welcoming. There are numerous booths. The tables are Mexican in theme. The chairs are various hues of Mexican pastels. Lovely Mexican murals adorn the walls. This place will definitely be worth some repeat visits. M.O.A.B. was mega impressed.

Their take-away menu mentions that there is a Faros #3 and a Faros #4. M.O.A.B. wonders what happened to Faros #1! It is not mentioned at all. M.O.A.B. loves a mystery! Especially burrito mysteries!

Faros also serve cerveza in this place. Whoo hoo! As I sat waiting for my order to be made, sipping on some suds, the guy brought out a little basket of (incredibly good - not store bought) nacho chips and one HELL of a tomato-corn salsa. BONUS POINTS FOR THAT, FAROS! What an unexpected surprise. I mean, I ordered take-out, but was made to feel very welcome in their place. Definitely dining in next time.

There's 113 (!!!) individual menu headings. Breakfast, lunch and dinner items are all well represented. Fajitas, enchiladas, tacos, and burritos! Combo platters of all kinds! Chicken, Steak, Seafood and Vegetarian options. They've even got an El Faro's Happy Meal section for those spoiled little suburbanite kids who don't good food when it's in front of them.

They've also got a listing for Tacos Junior. (Mexico City Style.) Pork, tongue, grilled steak and the very interesting sounding:
Cabeza - Beef Head. (Going to definitely try that one!)

Ooh! Lookie here on the menu! Sangria only $1.45 a glass! Oh my! That could get deadly! (And in a good way!)

Let's see what they have burrito-wise:
Suizo (Those are served 'wet' with a salsa suiza and Chihuahua Cheese for the uninitiated.)
Vegetarian (rice, beans, sour cream, avocado, lettuce & tomato.)
Chile Relleno (Stuffed pepper.)
Huevos con Carne Asada (Eggs w/ broiled skirt steak.)
Huevos con Chorizo (Eggs w/Mexican Sausage.)
Huevos con Papas (Papas are stick-size, French pommes frîtes style taters.)
Al Pastor (Roasted Pork)
Carnitas (Fried Pork)
Pollo (Chicken)
Carne Asada (See above.)
Picadillo (Ground Beef)
Lengua (Tongue)
Tripas (Intestine! M.O.A.B. is very interested in this one, too.)
Chorizo
Lomo (Loin of Beef.)

15 different varieties!

And check this out!
Regular combination burrito. Your choice of any of the two meats!

You can also order extra meat, avocado, sour cream and cheese.

PHEW! What a list!

M.O.A.B. didn't see the entire burrito menu when ordering, so I went with the Mexican Steak Burrito. And what an excellent choice this was!

Faros #2 - Mexican Steak Burrito. Yummy!!


Wrap / Presentation - *****
You couldn't have asked for a better wrapped burrito. Nice flavor to the tortilla, too.

Fillings - *****
Rice, beans, cheese and chopped ribeye steak that's been grilled with hot peppers, tomatoes and onions!!! Wow! What a delicious combo! Everything from Faros was still hot when it arrived home.

Flavor - *****
To quote SNL's 'The Continental' - Wowie! Wow! Wow! Wow! Faros is going to give my compadres over at Taco Patio a run for their burrito money! That burrito sho' wuz tasty! A wonderfully delicious flavor combo!

M.O.A.B. is aware that this is merely a photo of Christopher Walken, but M.O.A.B. spent the better part of his work afternoon trying to locate a screenshot of 'The Continental.' To no avail.

Staff - *****
A 'Good evening' and a 'How are you tonight?' Wonderfully nice gentleman took my order.

Condiments - *****
Faros wins the condiments competition, hands down! The meal came Mexican rice, refried beans, sour cream served on the side. ALSO - pickled carrots, onions and jalapenos! What a marvelous addition! Their red and green sauces are DYNAMITE!! Their guacamole was out of sight!

OVERALL AVERAGE SCORE: FIVE OUT OF FIVE!!!


"It is as if Michelangelo sculpted you by hand, and then kept you for himself…in a closet…to visit on lonely nights…Would you care for a glass of cham-pag-nay?"

Chipotle - Visit # 2 (AND LAST EVER!)

Terrible "burritos" can be found at:
Chipotle - Schaumburg, Illinois

M.O.A.B.'s second trip to a Chipotle chain was anything but an improvement.

To quote both parties: "$14.62, for two pounds of rice?!"

A second trip was indeed a MASSIVE MISTAKE. M.O.A.B. thought the experience in St. Charles may have been a fluke and attempted a visit at their Schaumburg facility. This was a BAD IDEA.

The service and quality was SO BAD that M.O.A.B. (unintentional rhyme) was going to re-evaluate the St. Charles location visit from some months ago. A calmer head prevailed and we will simply share our total disgust with the Schaumburg facility.

Purchased Febrauary 12th 2005.Poorly wrapped.


The entire dining experience was ruined the moment we left the place.

M.O.A.B. is fluent in several different languages. Whatever is being spoken at the Schaumburg facility is a language even the cast of Star Trek cannot decipher.

You just know it's going to fall apart. You can see it!


Polite? F*ck that. Downright rude. Not a single word could be understood, except for the total.

Nearly $7 in rice. If that's your thing.


Overpriced rice.

Complete and utter collapse.


Both members of M.O.A.B. are owed a complete refund from Chipotle. Here come the totals.

Wrap / Presentation - ZERO!
As the above photos will clearly show, the burrito completely fell apart and unraveled the moment it was picked up.

Fillings - *-1/2
M.O.A.B. was clearly ready to give Chipotle a chance to redeem itself by going in a completely different direction. This mess contained the following: chicken (HAH! Right! All three pieces of it!) A pound of COLD rice. COLD black beans. COLD and flavorless corn 'salsa' dressing. A smattering of cheese tidbits. Over priced sour cream. (Charged extra.) Overpriced guacamole. (Charged extra.) Everything was COLD, COLD, COLD. Shame on you, Schaumburg Chipotle!

Flavor - *
If you like your burritos cold, this is the place to go. I overpaid for a chicken burrito. Of which there was NO CHICKEN WHATSOEVER! Rice, rice, oh, and did we mention rice? TERRIBLE!!

Staff - TOTAL ZERO!
M.O.A.B., and everyone M.O.A.B. can tell, will never set foot in another Chipotle establishment ever again. To call the folks at their Schaumburg facility rude would be an insult to rude people. These troglodytes couldn't have been less friendly. Oh, they were prepared to take your cash... but friendly? Forget it!!

Condiments - TOTAL ZERO!
Once again no extra sauces of any kind were supplied by the utterly rude and terrible staff of Schaumburg Chipotle. On walking out, we noticed that all they serve are the various brands of Tabasco sauces as condiments in their establishments. How dreadfully sad. There was extra Taco Patio sauce onhand at M.O.A.B. HQ, but we wouldn't insult our friends at T.P. by topping this piece of excrement with it.

OVERALL AVERAGE SCORE: .5 !!! It should be zero, so let's call it ZERO!
We spent nearly $15 to send two quarter-eaten burritos down the garbage disposal.

AVOID ALL CHIPOTLE FRANCHISES AS A MATTER OF GOOD TASTE.

"SECOND. WORST. BURRITO. EVER."


Chipotle owes us our money back. Money that will be used to go eat a REAL burrito elsewere. F*cking terrible. Never ever again.

No wonder the McDonald's company is trying to unload this albatross.

A message is going out to the Chipotle people momentarily. Are we expecting a resolution? No. One wagers the upper staff will be just as rude as the trogs.

Can you tell M.O.A.B. is pissed? Not a single cent should be spent at any of their facilities. Bah. There are infinitely better local places out there to buy burritos from! PATRONIZE LOCAL ESTABLISHMENTS, burrito friends!

Taqueira Acapulco - WORST. BURRITO. EVER.

TANQUEIRA ACAPULCO - HANOVER PARK, ILLINOIS - - AVOID THIS PLACE!!!!

Amazing that a total zero review should follow a perfect score... but that's what happened. THIS WAS WITHOUT A DOUBT... THE SINGLE WORST BURRITO ON THE PLANET!!! SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN HANOVER PARK, ILLINOIS.... AVOID THIS PLACE!!!!

This was nothing but TERRIBLE!!!!!

The place is located in a group of satellite buildings of a run-down strip mall. M.O.A.B. sometimes orders Thai from the neighboring restaurant and thought it might be a nice place to try. M.O.A.B. couldn't have been more mistaken.

A photo of The World's WORST Burrito


This is going to be an easy grade. The burrito from this place was the PITS!!!!

Wrap / Presentation ZERO!!
Completely fell apart and unraveled the moment it was picked up. Also note how they cut the burrito in half. WHY??

Fillings ZERO!
Extremely low-grade beef. It was more gristle than anything else. Questionable cheese, a sprinkling of incredibly bland rice, aged lettuce (ugh!), onion and a sliver of tomato. None of the ingredients could have been considered fresh.

Flavor ZERO!
If you like gristle... this is your place. I couldn't eat the thing at all. It tasted terrible. GRISTLE! GRISTLE! SUCKY FLAVOR. TERRIBLE!!

Staff ZERO!
Sorry to have distubed whatever drug deal you cats had going on. Also you may want to have someone spell-check your little menu board there. Who wrote that thing? Manuel from Fawlty Towers?!

Condiments ZERO!
Feckless and effete tubs of....????.... who knows? Even their sauces were terrible!


OVERALL AVERAGE SCORE: ZERO!!!

AVOID THIS PLACE AT ALL COSTS!!! THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER REVIEWS OF THIS SHIT HOLE. I'm sorry, but it was THAT B-A-D!

"WORST. BURRITO. EVER."

Taco Patio - Numbers of Visits? Too Many To Keep Track Of!!

M.O.A.B. cheated this past weekend and went to a place where the burritos flow like wine and the women instinctively flock like the tacos of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about a little place called Taco Patio in Hanover Park, IL.

Taco Patio is M.O.A.B.'s usual haunt for all things burrito. Their scores may appear to the casual outside observer to be blatantly biased, to which M.O.A.B. can only respond, "Guilty as charged." But do know that these guys are good. And not just with burritos, but with everything that's been sampled from their menu.

The burrito ordered on this particular outing was the Steak burrito. With extra meat, sour cream and guacamole. This burrito belly bomber is H-U-G-E. It took a good day and a half to consume.

Taco Patio - Steak Burrito with extra meat. HUGE.


Purchased January 28th, 2005

Wrap / Presentation * * * * *
The photo just really doesn't do the burrito justice. You can't really tell, but this guy is fairly impressive in size. The equally delicious avocado taco accompanying it doesn't really lend the right amount of scale. This guy is BIG. The guys at T.P. really know how to wrap a burrito of this size and scale. It's all wonderfully schtuffed and wrapped into two giant burrito tortillas. Impressive that it holds its shape considering the weight!

Fillings * * * * *
Steak - (real steak, not some fast food version of what they think a steak might be like, beans, cheese, tomato, and onion. Lettuce was kept out by request. (Yes, even T.P. will add lettuce.) M.O.A.B. was feeling peckish and asked for the extra meat version with sour cream and guacamole.

Flavor * * * * *
This is simply a GREAT burrito.

Staff * * * * *
My compadres at Taco Patio are the nicest bunch of guys on the planet! They are always polite and depending upon who's working, they may even know most of your order when you walk up. Gotta love that. Fast, friendly service. A+

Condiments * * * * *
Taco Patio offers the single best red mild sauce and hot green sauce. M.O.A.B. always asks for a couple of both. They go into plastic squirt bottles in the fridge and get used on everything else. Excellent sauces!

OVERALL AVERAGE SCORE: Five (5) whole stars for Taco Patio's extra meat burrito. A perfect score! Whoo hoo!!

Their tacos are fantastic, too. The avocado taco is very filling and extremely tasty. M.O.A.B. can also vouch for their lengua taco!

Taco Patio offers their burritos in different styles, too. Regular size... or... the belly bursting extra meat burrito. You can get them deep fried (!), covered in sauce, or covered with melted cheese.

For the total artery-clogging experience, try one that is deep-fried-covered-in-sauce-and-melted-cheese all on the same plate! Wow!